10 Wedding Tips from the Mean Minister*
*mean, because I care
*mean, because I care
1. A wedding, a marriage, does not make.
Let's start with this one. Bridal magazines and Pinterest boards don't often speak of this, but I will: Your wedding day is one day of your life. Your marriage, God willing, will last longer than one day.
Let's start with this one. Bridal magazines and Pinterest boards don't often speak of this, but I will: Your wedding day is one day of your life. Your marriage, God willing, will last longer than one day.
Case in point:
Once, a few years after I got married, I lamented to an older friend about the torrential rain that fell on my wedding day.
Once, a few years after I got married, I lamented to an older friend about the torrential rain that fell on my wedding day.
She replied simply, "My daughter's wedding was picture perfect. Her wedding was out of a magazine, everything elegant, tasteful, lovely. We spent $30,000 on it; it couldn't have gone more smoothly, everything according to plan."
I didn't know where she was going with this?
"I had to hold my dress up to my chest to avoid the streams of water flowing past my feet," I complained.
"My daughter was divorced within the year," she continued, "The wedding, a marriage, does not make. You can have a perfect wedding, but that's just the wedding, that's not the marriage. They are not the same thing."
2. The Perfect Wedding? No.
Meaningful, yes. Perfect? So over it. Here's the thing. The flowers will be late or wrong, someone in the wedding party will be hung over, a hem will rip. These are not "signs" that the wedding should be called off, that you shouldn't get married. These can serve as reminders that you're not going for a "perfect" wedding day, you're aiming at meaningful with your wedding day -- maybe memorable too -- but meaningful is the aim. When you say your vows to your partner, look into her/his eyes, say that you mean it, and mean it. Have a Kleenex handy.
Meaningful, yes. Perfect? So over it. Here's the thing. The flowers will be late or wrong, someone in the wedding party will be hung over, a hem will rip. These are not "signs" that the wedding should be called off, that you shouldn't get married. These can serve as reminders that you're not going for a "perfect" wedding day, you're aiming at meaningful with your wedding day -- maybe memorable too -- but meaningful is the aim. When you say your vows to your partner, look into her/his eyes, say that you mean it, and mean it. Have a Kleenex handy.
Case in point:
A couple I knew married during World War II in Newfoundland, and as would happen in Newfoundland, sled dogs ate their wedding cake. The couple were incredibly happy together. Theirs was a story of a wedding gone wrong, and a marriage gone right. Sally Quinn, in her book The Party: A Guide to Adventurous Entertaining, points out that sometimes when crazy stuff happens, it makes it all the more memorable, it'll be something people talk about for years.
A couple I knew married during World War II in Newfoundland, and as would happen in Newfoundland, sled dogs ate their wedding cake. The couple were incredibly happy together. Theirs was a story of a wedding gone wrong, and a marriage gone right. Sally Quinn, in her book The Party: A Guide to Adventurous Entertaining, points out that sometimes when crazy stuff happens, it makes it all the more memorable, it'll be something people talk about for years.
3. Speaking of meaning it: Do you?
Weight on your chest? Think again. If you begin to feel a lion sitting on your chest every morning before your wedding day, if you feel drained completely by the notion of being married to this person, if going through with the wedding makes you nauseous, then, "Houston, we have a problem."
Weight on your chest? Think again. If you begin to feel a lion sitting on your chest every morning before your wedding day, if you feel drained completely by the notion of being married to this person, if going through with the wedding makes you nauseous, then, "Houston, we have a problem."
If, as the day gets closer, you know in your gut it's a bad idea, then stop. Don't go through with it.
Yes, you sampled wedding cake, and purchased a cake that's non-refundable. Yes, the flower girl's dress is adorable and her heart is set on wearing it. Yes, your groomsmen and bridesmaids have plane tickets. Yes, countless people will be really, really angry with you and you'll have to return gifts. Sometimes the momentum of a wedding sweeps up people, who aren't quite sure, in the glorious wrappings and trappings of a big event. If dread sits on your chest like a lion, stop the madness, stop the forward motion, stop the wedding. People will be upset with you. Hopefully that's short term. Marriage? Long term.
Case in point:
When I was first ordained as a Presbyterian minister, I asked, "What's needed to perform a wedding?" The answers were easy:
When I was first ordained as a Presbyterian minister, I asked, "What's needed to perform a wedding?" The answers were easy:
- Have the couple show their legal identification, pay the application fee to get a marriage license, and obtain it in the county in which they'll be getting married within 60 days of the wedding. Valid legal identification is needed to obtain such a license.
- Have the couple state they're entering into the wedding as willing participants, acknowledging they know what they're doing, and that they are not getting married under duress.
- Have the couple state that they know this is a long term commitment, not a flash in the pan, which is where the "I do" comes in. "I do" get this, is what you're saying, "I do understand that I'm getting married."
- Sign and mail in the wedding license after the wedding ceremony (Note: make sure the person performing your wedding ceremony signs this, and mails it in after the service)
All of this can be quick and easy, and in truth, doesn't have to cost an arm and a leg. Divorce is rarely quick, rarely easy. With divorce, there will be casualties. Just sayin'.
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